How To Sleep All Day and Still Be Tan At Night

My tan is COMPLETELY fake. I have not been to the beach or sat by a pool the entire summer, because I am way nocturnal and also feel irrationally obliged to go to many parties every week, and I think that the sun is hot and boring, too; and I’m not sleeping with anyone with a house in the Hamptons (guys love to say “out East” like they’re Gatsby or something). 

And I’m too lazy to try to go to one of the hotel roof pools near where I live in the city — not that, trust me, anyone was extending wildly glamorous pool party invitations to my weird ass anyway. Those places are for like rich lawyers my age. Swanky singles! I don’t even think I own a matching bikini.

No, I’m not getting out in the sun much. Why sit and fry when I can be indoors in the dark eating blackberries like a little fruit bat?!, I think to myself every day (and that includes this morning). Yup, like a little fruit bat who enjoys looking like a Lindsay Lohan mugshot, watching “Family Feud,” and avoiding real life. Hey, incidentally — have I ever mentioned that I’ve never had a boyfriend and don’t know how to drive? Ah, stories for another time.

Anyway. Sorry; I’m the off-topic beauty editor ever — back to the tan. It’s not even self-tanner! Nor is it a tanning bed-tan. No, the nice color I have in the otherwise arguably sleazy photo above is thanks in fact a combination of the following products, which I used 1-2-3 last night:


A super-grainy salt scrub is one of the best beauty products in the world – they make your skin super-luminous, like, really. Your skin looks supple and glowy and never scaly at all if you use them head-to-toe regularly, and especially if you use one with some greasiness to it – you know, the kind that’s hard to rinse off almost, because they leave a coat of whatever on your skin.

My new favorites is this AMAZING Tree Hut Shea Coconut Lime Sugar Scrub. The brand  makes a few summery scents, but it’s this coconut one I particularly live and die for. It’s part of an entire new line of coconut products with which I am similarly obsessed: there’s a tub of body butter, a creamy body wash, etc. AMAZING.


OK, this isn’t a self-tanner – it doesn’t stain the skin; it rinses off in the shower. It’s like body makeup! Except it’s sheer and blendable and just makes you look tan and awesome. A few companies make this kind of product; the Sue Devitt Microaquatic Tinted Body Moisturizer here (and she is an Austrailian makeup artist, FYI) is the most-natural looking and, most importantly, the one that won’t come off (much – wait for it to dry!) on your clothes, even if you’re changing outfits for an hour before you leave the house at night and those outfits are all gauzy once-white things with Newport burns in them by Helmut Lang or whomever. Just saying. 

ANYWAY, since this stuff is pretty pigmented I usually mix it with a glob of Nivea or something.


I like to LUBE up my legs and things: really, it makes the skin look so wonderful and the gleam defines your tone and muscle and all that. This non-shimmery, TINY BIT tinted on, Bobbi Brown Beach Oil (which, truly, isn’t really for the beach — it’s too glam and perfumey and amazing) smells ridiculously to-die-for good – like sunscreen and ocean breeze.

MOST importantly: It also keeps my legs and shoulders and everything looking all non-lizardly. Leave the scales to the coke dealers, you know what I mean? Hahaha; sorry. (buries face in hands)

And that, my dears, is how I got a glowy look head to toe in less than 15 minutes right before I went out!